Weighed down. That's how I feel these days. Both mentally and physically!
But God lifts me up. Kutless' That's What Faith Can Do is one of those songs that lifts me at the bleakest times... when you're thirsty for ideas, constantly exhausted, running around like the White Rabbit, and feel as if a thundercloud is permanently hovering over you. Am extremely thankful for hearing this on Sunday during Homer practice! Another song that assures me of God's power and faith is Casting Crowns' Voice of Truth.
It's been a crazy year since the last blog post. Some of the highlights would be conquering Mount Kinabalu with awesome friends (reaching the top is ironically a very humbling experience, ONE LIFELONG DREAM COME TRUE!), changing jobs (swapping writing for broadcast, earlier ETAs at home but longer intense hours), making new friends (crazy fun colleagues) and deepening long-lasting ones, revisiting Camerons not once but twice, Sipadan with Ohana and the Sims (the experience of catching turtle breaths by the pier is unforgettable). And that's just all that's at the top of my head.
A year of challenges and being stretched (and many times still doubting and struggling!)
Some dreams fulfilled, many more to go.
Another dream that was fulfilled this year?
Catching Wicked The Musical in Singapore! Been wanting to catch it since my colleague introduced it to me some years ago! Still spellbound by the songs (especially the reprises in telling the story) and scenes in my mind! A simple tale of friendship, love and loss, yet so magically weaved together lyrically. Really showcases the beauty of words and music. Loved how the musical was hilarious and tender at just the right moments. So many favourites: Popular, For Good, Defying Gravity, What is This Feeling, I'm Not That Girl, Dancing Through Life.
Good to have lighthearted memories to lighten the heavy heart and mind :)
Verse of the week:
I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." Psalm 16:2
As of tomorrow, I can finally say: I have my own medical insurance! :)
Learning about insurance from my cousin Guan over the past few weeks have led me to think about a few things.
Firstly, we pay a monthly/quarterly/yearly sum of cash to insure ourselves should anything bad happen to us - when our health, ability to earn, time or money is taken away. Guan says that many do not see the value in buying insurance because they think they are healthy and young. However, ask any elderly ICU patient and someone stricken by a critical illness - even if they wanted insurance, it would be harder to apply for one in their state of health and age.
Basically, many people think they will be healthy or live for a long time without much problems.
Then on the flipside, there are people who do believe in insurance - people like me. And then there are those who would pay crazy amounts to try and insure as much as possible. As Guan and I concluded that there is no possibility of insuring "enough" - we will always have something left uninsured, no matter how much you're already covered for. However, insurance acts as a buffer in dire times... hence my decision to get insurance.
As I thought about how people are willing to invest into insuring their life on earth, I wonder why not many of us actually think about insuring ourselves eternally. We insure ourselves for life but not in death. What happens when we die? Where do our souls go? These are the questions we should be asking, instead of just saving up for ourselves earthly treasures that moth and rust can destroy. A reminder to myself to view life from the right perspective when it comes to acquiring possessions, materialism, stewardship and gratitude.
I'm glad that I know for sure that I am insured eternally.
My question is, are you?
And if you're second guessing/doubting yourself... you can always talk to me :)
I must thank Chuen’s colleague for firstly, passing him the game via thumbdrive one weekend. Credit also goes to Pop Cap World, for getting my brother and I hooked on Zuma’s Revenge many months ago. Pop Cap World, we miss you terribly.
People say you don’t learn much from playing video games but in this case, I beg to differ. While my quest of clearing snaking rows of colour-coordinated balls did not improve my hand-eye coordination or mouse-clicking speed, it did inspire some useful thoughts.
***
To win:
First, don’t panic.
Secondly, persevere, even though it looks like all is lost.
Thirdly, don’t just go for the easy ones. Tackle the tough ones too.
Fourthly, always ensure there’s a buffer and backup.
Fifthly, be decisive and act fast.
***
Often, my workload feels like I’m battling it out in Zuma. It keeps coming, it never ends and I always seem to be losing. But I shall persevere – one ball at a time – and keep restarting because I will win eventually!
And to close, some words of wisdom from Chuen:
“It's the simple things in life the teach us the most.”
“Well, all are good lessons but worthless unless we put them to good use right? But it'll take time lah.”
The gate is wide The road is paved in moderation The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in Welcome to the middle ground You're safe and sound and Until now, it's where I've been
'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything But it's been love, your love, that cuts the strings
So long status quo I think I just let go You make me want to be brave The way it always was Is no longer good enough You make me want to be brave Brave, brave
I am small And I speak when I'm spoken to But I am willing to risk it all I say your name Just your name and I'm ready to jump Even ready to fall Why did I take this vow of compromise? Why did I try to keep it all inside?
I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame Every storm will start with just a drop of rain But if you believe in me, that changes everything
***
I need to be brave with the courage that comes from faith in God - am reminded of a young David facing the giant Goliath against all odds. Fear paralyses. At CG, we learnt about suffering in the church of Smyrna or modern day Izmir in Turkey, as mentioned in Revelations 2. Rachel pointed out that Smyrna means "myrrh", which is a spice that when crushed, produces a sweet smelling fragrance. Myrrh also symbolises suffering because of its use in enbalming the dead during those times. Basically, the city was a flourishing port-city, in contrast to the Christians who were suffering in the church of Smyrna. They suffered for their faith and instead of giving them practical solutions, Jesus encourages them with two reminders of who He is -- the First and the Last, and that He died and rose again. He reminds them to press on towards the "crown of life", even if they were persecuted to the point of death, which he says would be the fate of some.
We discussed about suffering and how we were suffering for our faith. Many agree that we hardly suffer at all. However, I believe that suffering for our faith doesn't necessarily mean literal persecution for our faith -- that would be separating faith from our lives which is too linear in thinking. Faith is in every part of our lives or at least it should be. But it also points to the question of "Do I wear my faith on my sleeve?" Do people know I am a Christian? Do I put myself on the line when it counts to defend my faith? Often time, I think my answer is no, because tolerance in our society is given priority. We must not step on our neighbours' toes, etc.
If I were to stand before Him today, can I safely say that "Yes Lord, I did stand up for you"?
As David Pawson said, "If we are faithful in the small things, God will give us the grace for the bigger things."
When I thought about suffering, among the things that came to mind was work - the long hours, how it is constantly on my mind and how sometimes it just doesn't seem to pay off, even though it pays me money. I don't know why I find it "suffering" - probably part and parcel of the curse of toil in Genesis. But I do pray that this "suffering" will produce joy, eventually. "For the joy set before Him" is a constant prayer and permanent stickynote on my office desktop. Thank God that He empathises with our suffering. And that He watches over us, as he does the sparrow:
Two months short of my three years as a writer, I realise how far I am from where I hoped to be. When I read the works of others, I see life, character and personality. The stories are warm, interesting and they draw you in to consume more of it; it leaves you wanting for more. There is so much to improve when it comes to my writing ability, which is so stilted! Problem is, I don't know how to get to where I want to be... except to press on and keep writing. Need to make time to learn from others' work as well -- to analyse good, varied content and ingest great writing. Time -- isn't that always the crux of any matter? And practice what Lai Kwok Kin, former Reuters chief correspondent for Malaysia and Brunei, used to do - jot down turn of phrases.
However, Mr Lai said he also left the profession because it was time to stop watching things happen and instead, time to start making things happen. At times I do feel this way. But until I figure out what those things are, it is pretty pointless to keep this mental debate going. Need to spend more time on my knees than dwelling on own thoughts.
I do wonder the extent to which writing is a gift or inborn - nature vs nurture basically. How can some write so easily, so well, and others like myself struggle to write a good story? Talent must be a factor - many have a zero background in writing and still amaze me with their skill. Some say I have to have more confidence in my ability and stop worrying about expectations. Keep learning. Again I am reminded that inspiration is 1% creativity and 99% perspiration. It all boils down to hard work, I suppose.
Chuen says this is overthink so I shall stop. Ok back to work!
